I always thought that was the key, where I make God proud. To be strong enough this time to hold out- that is a true declaration of my love & devotion to Christ. But maybe the declaration is saying no to the beginning, escaping before I allow myself to ride the fine line. By the time I arrive in the dark house, my hearts already gave way to what's to come.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Nevertheless, these late nights never have the fairy tale endings I've planned for. & think what you will, I spend the whole drive home asking Jesus back into my heart, pleading & begging & bribing. Just incase he doesn't hear me once, I cover my butt. I ask at least three more times. Rinse, lather, repeat. Right? I try to convince him of why he shouldn't leave me, but rather give me another chance. Because the only loves I've ever known have taught me that love walks out when you mess up- that there are only so many strikes & they're outta here. Because I have yet to grasp unconditional love & faithfulness.
"Go take an adulterous love." -Love, God.
& Jonah thought he had it rough. When the Lord first started speaking through Hosea, that was his command. Take someone who won't love you with the faithfulness you have, & love them. Marry them. When all the people see your love for someone so undeserving, then they'll understand my love for them. So Hosea did just that. He married Gomer.
Now, to give you a hint of Gomer.
Let her remove the adulterous look from her face. (Hosea 1:2)
I think that one verse holds enough to paint exactly what you need to see. She bore more than a few children that weren't Hosea's, & the way it sounds, she seems to have no remorse.
I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food & my water,
my wool & my linen, my oil & my drink. (v.5)
The adulterous look would be enough to do me in. Imagine loving someone with so much passion that you take them as your own. You want to be with them forever, you want them to be a part of you. So you give them all the love you have. Everything that's yours you give to them. You open your whole heart to them, leaving no vessels off limits. & they have eyes for everyone else. You watch them as their eyes wander after the neighbor mowing the lawn, the man standing before you in the checkout line, your old friend who's stopped by to visit. When she sees them, there's a spark that ignites in her eyes as she's captivated by every other man but the one that loves her with more love than she could even imagine. To see the adulterous look on her face, flooding everything inside of you. The look is enough.
So Gomer is you & I. It's our love for God that we're easily distracted from. It's a message from God to us, his unfaithful lovers.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.' (2:7)
When I found Israel,
it was like finding grapes in the desert;
when I saw your fathers,
it was like seeing the early fruit on the fig tree. (9:10)
How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused. (11:8)
I will heal their waywardness
& love them freely. (14:4)
So then there was Sunday School.
There I was introduced to God the parole officer. Raised in a small church of about six families, the congregation voted that sex education should be introduced by our Wednesday night teacher. So their our awkward selves sat, cramped around the rectangular folding table, listening to the young mom inform us on different kinds of sex, sexually transmitted diseases, & thank God she didn't forget the fact sheet hand outs. When asked how far is too far, she put it this way: don't do anything you wouldn't do in front of God. Pretend he's sitting in a chair watching you. Maybe I added to that, it was quite a while back. But as a young girl who still believed kissing made babies, that's what I took away.
We imagine God taking off when we're the adulterous lover, falling after other things in his place. I mess up as he's sitting in that chair across the room watching me like I'm under house arrest & I see his aggitation grow until enough's enough. He slams his hands on his knees, pops up, & walks out, leaving me to deal with the mess I've made. But the truth is that we just don't know faithful. He's waiting. Alluring us to our first love in the desert, waiting for the silence so his words might not fall on deaf ears: Hey, I have something I've been wanting to show you. You done?
God the Parole Officer.
I leave. Turning on my car, Kim Walker cries out that freedom reigns in this place- & I'm thinking 'not really' but I sign along & soon enough the singing turns to worship & the worship turns inward as a heart cry & then the devil steps in. Do I remember where I just came from? & YOU think God wants to talk to YOU right now? You should be ashamed. Now is no time to worship. You need to hide. Now the mood shifts from God listening to my songs to God calling bull. How can you be so double-minded?
So I'm playing my rounds at hide-n-seek. God calling, to come out because he has the most beautiful sights for me to see, myself running for the fig leaves. He's longing for me, & I'm avoiding him. I'm mistaking his loving pursuit for a high speed police chase.
...For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (& everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children & not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us & we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits & live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
Hebrews 12:7-10
...though I never commanded, nor did it ever enter my mind, that they should do such a detestable thing & make Judah sin. You are saying about this city, 'By the sword, famine & plague it will be handed over to the king of Babylon', but this is what the Lord, the God of Israel says: I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger & with great wrath; I will bring them back to this place & let them live in safety. They will be my people, & I will be their God.
Jeremiah 33:35-38
For he wounds, but he also bind up;
he injures, but his hands also heal.
Job 5:18
He loves us & he's waiting.
He is waiting for me to forgive myself.
He is waiting to restore & pick up the broken pieces.
He is waiting to make us whole.
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