So much bigger than my box with a bow on top kind of mind likes to think sometimes. The queen of overthinking, yes. You have proved your point. Because from this point forward, I vow to always hug my boyfriend in the parking lots. Because heaven knows you just sent your seal of approval. Thank you, Father, for Ashley. I pray you'll give me a second time to get it right.
Ashley from Youngstown with the toddler.
So we just hugged a while. I breathed the fresh air, wishing the night was still young so I could stay with my wonderful man. But, the adult life leads to early endings, as many of us have grown to know, & this girl has work in the morning. So a quick post-work date, meeting at Red Lobster for all-you-can-eat shrimp, was the big bang of my night. & my man's buck. But this is so not going anywhere, so let me get to the peek moment.
After the fireworks from the goodnight peck on the lips, I retreated to the driver's side of my car, parking lot slowly emptying, leaving one other car remaining parked next to mine. Apparently, we both had the same idea, as the young girl fumbled over her daughter's car seat belt. Juggling between the three open car doors, she spoke to me out of longing.
You two are so lucky to have each other. Is he your boyfriend? Did you meet here for a date? I wish I had a man. Sometimes I think it would be a little easier if I had a man here to help me. You are so lucky.
I can't figure out whether she really repeated how much she wished she had a man or whether the thought was on repeat in my head, as I watched her shuffle around, trying to hold conversation as her daughter pounded on the rolled up window, little voice muffled through the glass calling out for 'mommy'. We said things I wish I could remember, as I hang on the words I do. For some reason, I felt it highly important in the moment to tell her she was a great mom. & that was easy to slip out, which should've not been because really, how do I know the kind of mother she is? But the other words were bitter in the throat, when I tried to swallow them back down. But eventually I gave in, sounds escaping my lips. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell her, but the action tied to the promise. I just wanted to mean it. God, I want this to be more than words.
Well I will pray that you find a good man.
& she cut me off. Do you believe it? Not even to say 'oh thanks' or 'I don't believe in that', but she beat me to the punch.
My name's Ashley.
I thought to myself, I should ask for her number. She says,
Well if we ever run into each other again, we will definitely have to exchange numbers.
Oh. Okay, yeah. So I climbed in & shut my door, as body & spirit almost became unattached, body buckling my seatbelt, spirit jumping out of the car & pounding on her window. I did it wrong. I felt it. I knew it. I even pulled out, her car behind me, & thought of throwing my car in park & tapping on her window for her number.
But I thought, she will think I'm crazy. So I didn't. & now I am sitting here telling you
I wish I were crazy enough.
I wish I were crazy enough
to lose my mind for five seconds of everyday, when my Muslim co-worker tries to tell me that all religion is right, that we all are correct & will all end up getting to the same place. When theories tell me our different beliefs are like a mountain, & we're all climbing to get to the same point. It's like the kindergarten 'your the winner' gold medals that they give to the whole entire class so they don't hurt anyone's feelings or get discouraged.
It's unrealistic,
it's apologetic,
& it's full of fear.
Someone's always going to be right & this time I'm claiming the victory. Because my God doesn't tell me to climb a mountain, he came down to meet me & save these little legs he knew were all too fragile to make it to that peak alone, & I am now carried by the grace of God through Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, my own Lord & Savior. As are other believers & Christ followers.
So when we are told that other paths are just as good as Gods, that they'll all make it in the end, too, do we truly believe we are saved by Jesus Christ, through the power of a sinless man who was tortured in our place on a cross? Think about it, go with me here.
If you & I believe that we are sinful beings
who could never save ourselves
who needed someone else to rescue us from our guilt
& that Jesus is that rescuer & atoning sacrifice,
is the everyone is right theory going to work?
So in the midst of these stories I hear, I daydream of a Samantha who suddenly turns to her supernatural boldness & says all the right things that could offend & make people mad & entitle me 'that girl who's trying to save them'.
& people pleaser me inside jumps up & down, waving her giant foam finger in the air, shouting 'HOORAY'. Because I am the shyest of the shy when it comes to intentional faith talks. I passionately wish I had the untangled words of Jesus, that flowed with such fluency. That I got people to gather in crowds & see so much power flow through that they lunged forward, lusting after the touch of his cloak (Luke 8:40-48). Because they wanted what he had, & suddenly felt their helpless state & a sense of urgency to be healed (John 4:4-15). I want to be that intentional that I feel homeless, going where God calls me the moment He's ready. (Luke 9:58)
I guess I just want to be crazy in love.
I am a clutz with intention.
I often forget that every person I come in contact with needs Jesus just as much as I do. If I approached every person recognizing their need, I probably would have a lot more patience. Intentional faith is important, right?
Because believing we are saved by Jesus also means believing we are lost without Jesus. Which means we are surrounded by a lot of lost people who need help finding the light switch. & I am the most forgetful person, so I apologize to you, Intention. Be tied to my love, joy, & delight. Bring insight & wisdom & kindness. Show me head over heels.
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