I don't wait well. I'm the little girl who playfully jeers, poking God's arm, taunting him to chase after me. I need a reaction. I need his response. Plus, to wait means to be still before the Lord, & the idea of being still makes me tired. Half the time I can't even sit still for longer than ten minutes, let alone wait blindly for some inaudible alarm to sound in heaven, the angel in charge of God's schedule saying, "It's now time to take care of Samantha. So what is your decree?" I don't think I can even point to a time in my life I can honestly say I have waited on the Lord. This is a new concept for me, so let's take it easy.
Hand in hand.
With each passing day, I grow more weary. I read my Bible, voice my prayers, but I struggle to believe I'm not just talking to myself. I cry tears of frustration, hopelessness, & loneliness. But I'm clinging to the words of men who have been through it before, the wisdom of a man who has seen from beginning to end what I can't see the end of. Paul writes:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
(ROMANS 12:12)
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus, Do not put out the Spirit's fire...
Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.
(1 THESSALONIANS 5:16-22)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers & sisters, whenever you face trials of
many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces
perseverance. Left perseverance finish its work so that
you may be mature & complete, not lacking anything.
(JAMES 1:2-4)
The humorous thing to me is that I was really only searching for the last verse that it actually turns out was James' wisdom, not Paul. Through out the process, I happened to come across the other verses actually written by Paul & they all seemed to fit my circumstances of feeling the blues. The other fairly ironic side of things is that through the search for verses to help when I can't see the sun, every verse that the Lord has given me is two-sided, bound with joy & troubles. They all tell me to be joyful. Well, how rude. Where's your sympathy? So I'm thinking they don't understand. Maybe they need to read my last post because I am really having some difficulty over here. Then again.
I have worked much more harder, been in prison more frequently,
been flogged more severely, & been exposed to death again & again.
Five times I received forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with
rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night &
day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in
danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger...
(2 CORINTHIANS 11)
So Paul wins. He's received more lashes, been stoned more, been shipwrecked longer, & been beaten way more than I. So I guess he knows what he's talking about. & yes, maybe I feel a bit sheepish for thinking I am the center of the universe & I've fallen, therefore the whole world must stop & give me a boost. Maybe I will even take it so far as to say I think he's onto something. Maybe struggles don't have to be my anchor & maybe joy doesn't dissipate under a little pressure. Maybe joy & struggle run together.
Tuned.
It hits me as my face is buried in the toilet, trying to bring up the overindulgence that's poisoning my mind. Lord, there is more than this. There has to be. There has to be more power in the name of Jesus. In the mixture of the world's weight that I've measured to the ounce, I have come home to an empty house. Through the silence, I hear the devil's whispers. He told me food would satisfy & comfort me, & followed with you are fat & repulsive. He told me not to trust God, that His hand wasn't still over my mom's life while she's at the hospital. He told me fear was the answer. Worry was the only solution. That retrieving everything I had eaten would make me thinner. But maybe the problem is really that my ears are so hyper sensitive to what the devil has to say to me than what the Lord, who I was created for, has to say.
Beloved,
{I KNOW YOUR TEARS}
You know when you go to the ocean, & you bottle away a piece of the water to take with you? I bottle your tears. You know how a mother records each of her child's first & most dear memories? I record your tears. Just because you're troubled doesn't mean I have forgotten about you. I cherish each tear that falls. I'm there in those moments, too.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my
tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
(PSALM 56:8)
{I AM FOR YOU}
I love forgiving you, love fighting for you, & love rescuing you. You are my beloved. Doesn't a man love fighting for his bride, & doesn't a woman love to be fought for? I will never leave you with more than you can handle, because I will never leave you. When you call on me, I won't delay. Count your battles with joy, because you will be victorious.
My enemies will retreat when I call on you for help.
This I know: God is on my side!
(PSALM 56:9)
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
& God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you
can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out
so that you can stand up under it.
(1 CORINTHIANS 10:13)
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord
comes to the rescue each time.
(PSALM 34:19)
{MY JOY IS YOURS}
I have a secret stash I have hidden within you, that isn't for the world's taking. I don't give as the world does, therefore, what I give isn't phased by circumstance. My ways are steadfast & stable. My joy is never out of reach, & is always possible. It's that candy dish on your grandmother's counter. Always plentiful & always yours.
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may
sing for joy to the end of our lives.
(PSALM 90:14)
{I'LL GIVE YOU LIFE}
So hang in there, I said I'd never leave you & I haven't ever broken a promise. So remember that. I know the devil's games & I know those things he tells you, but I'm not your old friends & I'm not your ex boyfriend. I am ever-present & I am truth. I'll fight for you & I will lead you to every destination I have planned. I've known the hills & valleys that you'll face & I've determined a path for success. So will you stay & receive the crown I have for you?
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he
has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has
promised to those who love him.
(JAMES 1:12-17)
Paint my spirit gold.
Needless to say I'm learning. I struggle (I'm struggling). I've always maintained a high capacity of joy, so this whole 'who stole my joy' thing is new, but captivating. Because working for joy makes it all the more meaningful. When you have to choose to outlive your circumstances & override the emotions the world throws your way, joy sits in the peace & quiet, with outstretched arms, welcoming you home. & I am thankful, because this is God's goodness. That the Spirit he's placed within us cannot be stolen or damaged, but that though at times it may be hidden & need revealing, it is still present & alive. The Spirit is still golden.
& I will ask the Father & He will give you another Counselor
to be with you forever- the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept
him, because if neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him,
for he lives with you & will be in you. I will not leave you as
orphans; I will come to you.
(JOHN 14:16-18)
Thank you, Jesus.
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