two piece bathing suits & sweet voices that shout.

Dear Sarah, you are not alone.

      You who started a blog to the Classy Modern Girls in this show all tell all world. You who used to whisper your secret battles, who now shouts a battle cry to your dear sisters. You who are the most brilliant, daring, & joyful soul, being the best at being yourself. You who blesses me with love through truth & encouragement. You who partners with me in Christ to begin a movement of unity in the sisterhood of Christ.  Here’s to you, for opening up & spilling your heart. Thank God above for you, sweet girl. You are not alone.

So this girl

Started this blog

& every Monday morning

She spills her guts.

She shares her grace covered paths,

Allowing you to follow behind

the forgiven road.

 

No Make Up Mondays are her naked truths

Bare faced & opened hearted,

She is your must-have sister.

{HEAR HER VOICE}

    So she shared. & she shared about struggling with an eating disorder. & I want to cheer her on, I am mentally standing on this barred balcony ledge cannonballing into the pool below. I am waving the number on finger from a football game, throwing confetti with the other. You did it, & I am seriously so, so blessed by you. I knew you could, because if not exposed through fearlessness, you spoke as a self-proclaimed stubborn girl, too hard headed to be afraid of the jabs misunderstanding people could chant. But you did it. You did it.  & you, my love, are not alone.

Today I bought a two-pieced bathing suit.

     My black one piece hangs to dry over the chair as I look down at the two coral strips of cloth covering the obvious areas, seeing the white of a stomach that hasn’t been sun-kissed in at least three years.  & this year I’ve been looking, feet drifting into that corner of the souvenir shops, trying to slip in unnoticed. I tried one on, once before, & the feeling of shame stayed with me the second time, as well. I felt the heaviness of the grapefruit rising in my throat as I hesitantly asked to use a fitting room. & the mirrors, they told me lies. So did my mind. Every voice in my head told me I was too fat. Every voice in that small corner of the fitting room screamed it was hideous. & somehow, I walk out & show my mom, & she saw me as beautiful. Perfect. Lovely. Why couldn’t I see it? Why can't I see it?

    I don’t exercise. When I am feeling like I need to drop a few pounds I would rather starve myself. & the thing is this isn’t the first time I’ve shared that. It is something Satan has twisted in my mind to seem as if that’s valid. I eat small meal a day on a good day. On a great day I drink coffee. Everything I eat, I count the calories against myself, like strikes. Like shortcomings. Like fails. Oh, today I ate two meals? What a failure. You seriously are pathetic.

But the devil is pathetic.

 

Be alert & of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls

 around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

(1 PETER 5:8)

    He always hits low. He isn’t going to whisper kind things to you because he doesn’t love you. He never will. Even if he won your soul over in the end, he would still hate you. Because that’s not love. Love is patient & kind. Love does not envy & love does not boast. Love is faithful. Love always wants the best for you. (1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8) & Love is God & God is love. Love was introduced to us through Jesus Christ (1 JOHN 3:16-20), when God came down to defeat what we couldn’t defeat on our own. He broke the chains that held us back from our Father.

    As God is the truth, Satan is the liar. & he tells me as I watch the scale fluctuate between 106.5-112 that I am fat. & I believe him because he changes the way I see myself. Because he is the voice I hear loudest in my head. & that, my love, is the problem.

Where is your beautiful? 

    Where is your self-worth? Answer that & know what voice you hear loudest. Sometimes the mirror lies to your eyes. Sometimes your mind isn’t truthful. & heaven knows, the devil isn’t going to hand you over a healthy take. Because this is the truth: you can’t wait on God to speak louder than the devil. He has been all along. You are the one who needs to swap focus to a voice much more trustworthy. I am the one who needs to listen & search out the Father’s truths over me.

    & so I bought a two piece bathing suit. It’s coral. & to those of you shaking your finger at me, I would like to give you a finger as well… or maybe a thumb. I am a modest is hottest kind of girl. But I have been battling with my self-image for years, that which was created in the likeness of my heavenly Father who is perfect, & this is my battle cry. A two piece. & I may be broken in a fallen world, but I am a daughter of the God who created the heavens & the earth & the ocean & the sky. I am lovely. I am beautiful. I am strengthened through a God who thinks I am just great. Maybe even fabulous. So that’s that. Binge on that, Satan.

Where is your battle?

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, & they follow me.

(JOHN 10:27)

    Your battle could be something so different than Sarahs & my own. That is okay because we aren’t all little robots wearing two pieces & shouting at Satan. Thank God. But I pray that this hits your ears & heart & mind where you’ve been hurt & broken. I pray your response would look like you asking God to heal your distorted mind.  Ask him to reveal his truths, search them out in his word, & write them down as reminders (PHILLIPIANS 4:8). & I pray that you raise your voice. Elevate your cross where others can see it & your battle scars translate as you are not alone. Shout your battle cry. You are loved (JOHN 3:16) & you are most lovely (PSALM 45:9-11).